10. Whole Human Desire - children deserve respect

The desire to be accepted, where you stand, is one of the most basic of all human needs.

This does not exclude our beloved tiny humans.

There is nothing they want more than for Mom and Dad to be proud of them. A simple "Thank you," is a great practice, but it is much deeper than that. They want to know that you are happy to have them around. Even when they make mistakes. Everyone already knows that actions speak louder than words.

So, what do your actions say?

Do they show your family that they are each a valued member of the group?

Or are your parenting habits unintentionally forming co-dependent relationships and addictive personalities?

I have seen a number of well-meaning parents who think they're "helping" by hijacking a child's activity or over correcting the process.

It could be in manning the glue-stick and telling them which color to paint where during crafts. Or it could be criticizing or "fixing" a chore the child was assigned.

Or even complaining about how they have inconvenienced us with their noise and messes.

There is the opportunity in each situation to build up our relationships or to push them away. Believe me, I KNOW how much messes and noise suck.

I am guilty of getting it wrong too.

I've learned ways to say the same thing with respect and I have seen the difference it makes. Instead of complaining about the mess or demanding they fix it,

I ask for help.

I start cleaning, then invite them to help.

The general practice in our house is that when someone needs help and you can help them you should. It goes both ways. When they ask for help I tell them I always will, if I'm able.

That doesn't mean I complete the task for them. Sometimes it just means emotional support or coaching. Your presence means you value the relationship. When you take over or avoid asking the child to participate, because they're "too little" or don't know how, you are insulting their ability to contribute and subconsciously are telling them they are not valued. Respect their effort and don't demand results.

They are never too little to be loved.

That is what this boils down to. Loving your child enough to let them fail.

When you rob them of failure you are teaching them not to trust themself. Letting them fail doesn't mean you're setting them up for failure. You are setting up scenarios where they may learn that their actions have consequences. They are self correcting scenarios. That means they are age appropriate chores or games.

The child should be able to identify any inadequacy, and troubleshoot solutions; leaving space to ask for help if they need it. They may learn these skills as babies from simple toys like the ball drop or stacking blocks. Trusting that the ball will come out and that the tower doesn't stack if they are in the wrong order, establishes trust and predictability which becomes security.

Security yields confidence and self respect. Independent discovery allows for pride in their accomplishments. If you want to additionally reward their accomplishment, identify specifically what effort was made and say things like "I that see you (worked hard)," or "I noticed you (didn't give up)," "Are you proud of (your effort)?". Remembering it's not about getting it right, but about the process of learning.

Saying "Good job!" or "I'm proud of you!" teach people pleasing and attention seeking. We want them to seek their own approval and build confidence in their abilities.

Independent kids learn to value themselves and not seek validation from external sources. They learn to establish healthy personal boundaries, physically and mentally, which will serve them well in life.

When parents take a step back and allow kids to explore without intervention they understand the consequences of their actions on a scale that is not detrimental. When their block tower falls they know that they are fully capable of rectifying it. The more opportunities they have to express their capabilities, the more comfortable they become with them self and their value within society.

That's what a family is.

A miniature society where a child is safe to learn how we fit into the global society.

Within the second plane of development the focus is hugely on the family social unit. They are in training for the broad scale of social acceptance. In the teen years they will branch out and a firm footing within the family unit is the best defense against the world's trials. Self-worth will save them ultimately from falling victim to bad social habits and peer pressure.

We leave room for failure in the home because it is a fact of life that no one is immune to. But we also motivate them with love and security to develop self respect. We show them that we see them and we accept them as they are.

Examples from my home:

My one-year-old unloads the dishwasher. She feeds the cat. She sorts the laundry. Why do I make her do these things? I don't. She sees value in her own contribution. She is glad to participate as a member of the group because there is no one telling her she can't. When she makes mistakes, she can always come to me for help.

Spill the cat food? We clean it up.

Break a plate? We clean it up.

No judgment.

We respect their contribution by building trust. With trust comes security and confidence. A confident child can show kindness and love because they are not living in fear of rejection.