9. Sympathetic Silence - children want to be heard

There is a major difference between listening to understand and listening to respond.

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This morning as I was explaining something to my husband. He cut me off and said, "Yeah, I know," when he in fact did not already know what I was about to say. How could he?

Now, I know my Husband didn't intend any malice. He merely was indulging me as he shopped for car parts online.

Nevertheless, the exchange left a sour taste in my mouth. It reminded me of the days playing the video game SIMS. There were times when your characters would have an unpleasant exchange and one of them would loose relationship points and throw a temper tantrum.

Life is more complex than a video game character though.

We have the ability to interact consciously with our environment. We can speak up and voice our concerns. Over reacting generally makes things worse see {Balance Is Inevitable} for more on reactions. Avoiding things also does not solve problems; something I've learned pretty recently. Growing up we were told to listen but not taught to be heard. That's why this interaction was so triggering for me.

I have learned, in the moment, I have to give myself the space to calm down. But I was later able to talk with my husband about how I expect a respectful conversation to play out.

The same things I asked from him were what I practice for myself when I interact with our kids.

I want them to feel heard because I know how it feels to be dismissed. I want them to be free to speak up when they feel like something should be said.

Also to understand that nobody can read your mind.

You have to be able to tell them what you need and command respect in every relationship.

Notice I said

Command, not Demand.

They are not synonymous.

Demand implies control over another person's thoughts or actions,

where Command implies setting boundaries and giving instruction.

You can't make other people behave any certain way,

but you can influence their behavior through your own actions or reactions.

When I finally am ready to confront my kids (or husband) I say to them, "I need you to practice listening." We say practice because listening is an ongoing effort and "practice" says its OK if we make mistakes.

Most of the time there is a mutual feeling with our kids just needing to be heard too. They don't always want us to solve their problems. Sometimes the hardest thing is to provide sympathetic silence; because we think our job is to resolve things.

I'm a fixer.

I don't know if it's because I'm a mom or because that's an innate personality trait. I mean, here I am trying to help fix your family too, so you may be the judge.

When my kids come to me with a problem I immediately try to solve it. Not initially realizing what they really want is a shoulder to cry on.

I'm practicing listening so that I can become proficient in the language of silence.

Putting aside our own thoughts and feelings gives space for an earnest passion for understanding. It's amazing what reverberating their concern does. When we avoid questions, giving input, or blaming them we create a comfortable environment for reflection.

If they say, "I don't want to clean my room!" you can say,

"Yeah? You don't want to clean right now?"

That gives them the validation they need to dive deeper.

Compare that to,

"It's not even that bad. Just get it done with,"

which is meant to be encouraging but really only compounds the overwhelming frustration they may be feeling.

When you validate the initial feeling then show sympathetic silence they will begin to process the feelings and then devise a solution.

Once they understand that they can control their environment and solve their own problem they can begin trust their own abilities. Most kids are fully capable of coming up with solutions to their problems on their own when given the space to do so.

Confident children are not crippled by fear and will be capable of great things. When what we say has such an impact on developing their inner voice, giving them consistent critiques deeply damages their self trust. Sometimes saying nothing provides the perfect space for them to rely on themself confidently.

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