Q&A - Blended Families

Q: "I have a blended family. 2 “his” 2 “mine” 1 ours. The four older ones are all very close in age. We deal with a lot of deviance and lying. How do we correct this"

A:

Hi, Thanks for reaching out!

It sounds like you guys have a lot to navigate. Mixed marriages are such a great topic of discussion. Before I go following a rabbit trail, I'll just jump right into your question.

These kids, and any kids in a mixed marriage, have some serious hurdles to overcome. In their formative years, when they were little sponges, they were in a clearly dysfunctional home. I don't meant to sound unsympathetic. No version of being a parent is easy. There are a million little things that could have happened to lead to a separation, and I can't speak to the details of your situation but the facts remain. Dysfunctional habits were formed and we need to address the product of it.

Habits formed in childhood are like Bermuda grass. Anybody in the Southwest knows what a challenge Bermuda grass can be. I once dug up a 6-inch clod from our rock-scaped front yard. The roots of this weed-like grass are so thick and twisted it took more than an hour. And then the dang grass STILL grew back. Lying is often a well-developed survival mechanism for older kids. It can seem like, no matter how hard you work, the habit has roots deeper than Bermuda grass in the winter.

To eliminate lying you have to be willing to play the long game. I'm sorry to say there is no quick fix, But I can try to point you in the right direction. The root of lying is distrust. So to eliminate lying you have to build trust within your relationship with each kid individually. This is a personal issue. And the caveat is that you only have the power to control and change yourself. You can't force or punish someone into trusting you.

A lot of the time, sibling rivalry stems from distrust as well. Every human wants to feel secure and loved. When kids are focused on getting their "fair share" of attention from their caregiver they often start to see their siblings as their rival. I have written before about tricks to eliminate sibling rivalry and build a stronger family relationships. But the #1 best thing you can do is the Family Meeting.

Contrary to popular therapeutic preaching, the most important part of a relationship is not communication. A more valuable aspect of building healthy relationships is the ability to make compromises. Agreements determine what stake you have in making sure the relationship will continue and survive the tests of time. You can communicate your wants and needs all day long, but you have to prove that you are invested in the relationship through your ability to compromise and then watch as your partner or your kids rise to the invitation.

That is not an invitation for you to become steamrolled. Before you can make compromises you have to know your boundaries. We sat down at one of our early family meeting to write a list of rules. I prompted the kids to tell me what it means to be good or kind. It's been a long time since we've had to reference our list of house rules and we are probably due to revisit it. We wrote down things what we all agreed are healthy boundaries. The kids said things like no hitting, no yelling, no lying, no stealing. After we agreed on these things we posted the paper where everyone could see. Although the littles couldn't read yet, they memorized the numbers.

"#1 No Yelling In The House"

was a easy one to memorize.

I think I only yelled "NO YELLING" about 12 times a day and they were all too happy to correct me.

And good for them! Honestly.

After agreeing on boundaries it's easy to hold each other accountable without argument. After that it's all about consistency.

Blended families can be a beautiful thing but I can understand how it could be hard to maintain a peaceful home when the other parents outside of your home also have such a strong influence on the kids within your home. There are so many aspects to it, and in a lot of ways your hands may be tied when it comes to the kids.

That said, you can still make good habits in your family unit!

When I was little, my mom babysat a little boy every now and then. He had different boundaries at his house and had to learn to adjust to our home each time he came over. At 3 he learned that "At my house we follow my mom's rules and at your house we follow your rules."

Your job is to create an environment of safety and trust. I would like to recommend the book Have a New Family by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. You can find a link on my Reading Room page.

To recap:

Set firm but kind boundaries

Have dinner as a family

Build trust.

Every interaction we have with our family either builds up, or tears down the relationship we have with them. Correcting lying is a long game scenario and little moments where we give them a win is what builds up their trust in us enough for them to feel safe in telling us the truth.

I hope some of this was helpful. If you are reading this and have something to add, please feel free!

Remember to keep the comments section respectful, anything else will be removed.

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