11. Give Yourself A Timeout - peace of mind is not a punishment

I bet you already do.

You better believe I've eaten my fair share of yogurts on the closet floor at 3 pm. And I know plenty of moms who hide in the bathroom or go for a drive just for a hint of peace and sanity. So why do we treat ourselves with quiet time and simultaneously use it as a method of punishment for our littles?

We all need time to be

un-touched, un-called, un-questioned,

and un-needed.

I hate the traditional idea of time-outs for children, but the idea is something that we could easily reform. When they are infants we expect them to need us and we do our best to meet those needs. Meeting their needs does not end at infancy, however, so why do we change our behavior when they get a little bigger?

Burnout, over-stimulation, sensory overload, anxiety, stress,

or any other name you give it. These feelings affect our kids' behavior as much as they change the way we treat them. As they get older they begin to develop these feelings. Big feelings don't have an age requisite. They are overwhelming for adults and kids alike. When I am overwhelmed, I get irritable and snappy. No one wants to be around me.

Shoot, I don't even want to be around me.

When a person is acting out it is always because they need something. Unwanted behaviors in your kids are a result of lacking the vocabulary to express what it is they need, so they resort to actions that are known to give the fastest response. We each learn various ways to get what we need. While it's not a bad thing to seek attention, it's natural, this skill is one that even many adults still have not learned to do well.

You're not doing anyone any favors by trying to making the problem just go away without addressing the root cause. Sending your kids to their room for a traditional time-out only teaches them to not respect your ability to understand them. If you can't cope and process emotions then why should they?

We've already been using time-outs for our own benefit when we need space to relax. We are using a healthy coping mechanism to re-energize our minds so that we can get back to work. That skill should be taught and shared with all ages. Time-outs should not be a tool of anger and resentment.

Teach them that time outs are something to look forward to.

A mental reset.

Nobody wakes up in the morning thinking, "I'm going to cause problems today!"

Every person wants to do well.

We can use timeouts constructively to teach the kids to look out for the signs within themselves in the same ways we trained ourselves. We can teach them to ask for space and to listen to their bodies.

Teach them what it means to feel overwhelmed or overstimulated. These are not adult words and they shouldn't be scary. You can show them the signs and symptoms so they're not caught off-guard in stressful situations .

Teach them that these feelings are OK and normal because they won't go away any time soon. They should know we experience it too and we are capable of coaching them through it.

Teach them that even though toys, TV, and friends are all fun things they can still be too much sometimes and our bodies are so grateful when we take little breaks. It makes the fun things more enjoyable.

You can point out good behavior and attribute it to the fact that they are feeling well. And likewise, call out bad behavior (in yourself included) when they (or you) are tired or hungry. You can then offer solutions or ask questions. (see how to talk to kids here)

They can learn that the world around them is something they have a degree of control over. This idea breeds the feeling of security and confidence. If we can give them the words to say what they feel and need and we can demonstrate the process of identifying the signs of over-stimulation they can learn to self regulate.Experiences won't be so explosive when they are adequately prepared. Every interaction with your kids is an opportunity for a lesson.

The more normal 'taking a break' becomes the easier it becomes to enforce. A time-out is no longer a negative experience but truly an energizing one. Invite your kids to design their time-out space. My kids use low loft beds to get away while they are sharing bedrooms. They frequently use their private space to retreat to. This also provides the perfect opportunity for us to talk about whatever it is they are going through because the bed is eye level.

When we make stress a thing that is spoken about it makes it easier to resolve. Mental health should not be left to the professionals. Normalize transparency and self respect to raise happy and healthy humans.

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