16. Respectful Parenting - lower your expectations

The whole idea behind starting this blog was to show what

“Respectful Parenting” means to me.

It may appear so, with parents stooping with soft words gently spoken, but

Respectful Parenting is not Permissive Parenting.

When you demonstrate firm respect, it will show vibrantly in all aspects of your relationships. Your children will reflect the level of respect they receive back to you. This is a clear indication of how well they feel respected and areas that may need improvement.

I’ve never thought of myself as a control freak. I was nicknamed Reckless Rachel for a period when I was younger. I realize now, that the perceived recklessness was my way of creating control. My rebellion against being controlled. I don’t want my kids to feel like they need to break away from home and family or to seek refuge in the world. I want home to be their refuge.

I don't mean to brag, but quite often people stop us while we're out to comment on our kids' behavior. At least twice strangers footed the bill for our meal when we ate out at a restaurant as a thank you for well-behaved kids. Eating out is something that we rarely do because to feed a family of 6 is not cheap to feed. We were blown away. Amidst the gratitude, this felt like a punch in the gut.

I felt like a fraud because the behavior I was rewarded for was built on fear, not love or respect. If only they saw the frustration and anger I felt at home when I bore the burden of their actions.

To be feared was not something I ever wanted from my family. I don’t want to break their spirits so that society may accept them. I want them to be innovators and confidently take up space in the world in the way a river carves its way through mountains.

Children are naturally curious and creative. Their joy is pure. I won’t be the one to strip that away from them. Respecting their individuality was a new path I had to discover beside them.

The moment I realized my kids were not in fact MINE to possess but their own person, a huge responsibility was lifted.

I am NOT responsible for their actions or feelings, likes and dislikes. It is NOT my job to tell them how to live but to show them how to love. We are merely their guardian and guide. By trying to control their lives we are actively pushing them away.

Becoming a parent is stressful without argument. Humans crave consistency, order, and predictability. When life is unpredictable, it’s stressful. People cope with the stress by seeking to control any aspect which is controllable. For children it becomes a power struggle at mealtime, bedtime, getting dressed, and following simple instructions. But what if I told you that the unpredictability was predictable? If we can learn to expect the chaos, then we can how we react to it.

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Power struggles are going to still come when they may. But you win by giving them your peace and relinquishing control. Mind you, it is a calculated process. We are not going to give them free reign and become permissive; that too, is detrimental. When I say, give them control, I mean over the small things. Little wins, when appropriate, show them we respect their autonomy.

Create an environment for them to explore their capabilities. Make space for them in their own home through accessibility and responsibility. If you assign them chores, provide step stools and miniature brooms. Make life easier by remembering they are small but not incapable. Sometimes a simple checklist can be a great tool.

Give them the freedom to decorate their room, (We don't let them pin things to the wall. instead they get a builtin board.) or choose the clothes they wear by providing limited options. – Do you want A or B? –

You may be surprised when you don’t try to force your opinions on them, they are much more likely to cooperate willingly.

Who knew we were the ones picking the fights all along?

If you don’t like the way they are expressing their need for control rethink the situation. You have the power to avoid the battle and find compromise. By demonstrating authority and not demanding obedience you can teach them to also look for compromise amidst conflict.

Parenting is not a battle of you verses them.

Remember that you are on the same team. That means compromise is essential for respect and happiness. And that responsibility of the quality of the relationship falls on the more experienced party.

The responsibility of a parent is not to control the will of the child,

it is to allow them to command the respect they deserve.

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