14. Make it a Mantra - feeling like a broken record

Focus on the positive.

We have a few catch phrases in our house.

Sometimes I sound like a broken record; I'm sure you know the feeling.

Most people derive these habits from stress and the struggle to control the unpredictable. They are reacting to stimulus like a paper towel soaking up a spill. Once the towel is wet it's likely to tear. I want you to train yourself to respond confidently so that you don't fall apart.

One of my mom's common phrases was, "You'll understand when you have kids," and I do now, naturally. But it was a long, determined road to get here. In my adolescence I was self absorbed and failed to take accountability in our relationship as most children do. In fact I didn't see a relationship at all, I saw an adversary. In the big picture I've learned that expecting a child to think outside of their self interests is a losing battle. They are designed to be self centered up until the final Plane of Development. (Developmental Planes)

Understanding the stages of development has made parenting a no-brainer - no pun intended. If my parents' stress and pressure formed fission in our relationships then, through my new understanding, I can use calm and calculated responses to create unity.

There have been times I catch myself parroting my parent's words. In these moments I recognize the pains and frustration that they must have felt. Their words were a cry for help, but the problem is that they were asking the wrong person. Children should not be responsible for their parents' feelings. Kids are still just figuring things out for themselves. They cant fix you too.

I'm able to now recognize my own cries for help and step back from my triggers to assess the situation. As a result I've invented new catchphrases to gently remind my family of appropriate behavior so that when I get overwhelmed I can still treat them with respect. As new issues arise we take the time to discuss the issue with them in terms they each can grasp prior to application of the expectations. I don't lecture, it's a simple explanation. For example:

Instead of,

"How many times do I have to tell you!?"

Try saying,

"First and Fast, please."

explaining that you expect them to do the thing the first time they're asked and as fast as they can so that we don't feel ignored. Talking about the way feeling ignored makes us frustrated. You can ask how they feel when they are ignored and create a deep understanding of the situation.

Instead of,

"Quit being naughty!"

Try saying,

"Practice doing what's right."

Explain that when we do things we should not be doing then bad things are likely to happen. Standing in your chair? You may fall. Pull the cat's tail? You'll get bit. We need to always practice doing the right thing no matter who's around.

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Remember that scolding is not the goal. We want to build up the relationship with empathy and a brief reminder in morality. If you shame them they will feel attacked and that exterminates any chance of cooperation.

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Instead of,

"Get off your butt and be helpful."

Try saying,

"If you can help, you should help."

As a family we work together. If someone you love asks you for help and you're able to help them you should do your best. Someday you may need help too. Remind them of times they have needed help and that mama needs help too. (Don't be afraid to ask).

Instead of,

"That's mine!"

Try saying,

"If it's not yours, don't touch it."

If you don't want to share your things, keep them picked up. That goes foe every member of the family. I'm guilty of leaving sunglasses laying around and finding them ripped apart by curious hands. Conversely, teach them also, if you find something that you know is not yours don't touch it, or ask first. Nobody wants to be responsible if something is broken or lost.

Yelling, begging, and hitting are always off the table.

Instead of,

"Why would you do that?"

Try saying,

"Everything you do sets an example, make it a good one."

Rhetorical questions are unproductive. Remind them that everything you do is seen by the people around you. Older kids especially have a great influence on younger kids. Tell them about this great superpower that they can choose to use for good or evil.

Children's drop down menu in their brains are not adept to perform multi-layered tasks. Providing affirmative actions makes it easier to understand. When you come at them with a negative statement they are left wondering what's next.

Think of the action sequence like this

[stop action]

[find solution]

[start action]

versus

{stop this, start that]

Pay close attention to your tone because anything you say could be easily misunderstood. When you provide solutions respectfully they will behave respectfully, because everything you do sets an example. To make it easier for their developing brains to follow we can provide the solution they didn't even know was missing.

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