25. They Just Don't Listen - effects of authoritarian parenting

Imagine a ball of play dough.

The harder you try to grip it the more places it oozes from your fingers. And if you are too gentle it won't take any shape at all.

Your kids are the play dough.

I took a poll on my Instagram to see how many people consider themselves to be a "Pushover" parent vs a "No-Question Authority" parent. If you participated, I would love to hear what you think influenced your parenting style in the comments section. What made you lean one way vs the other in your parenting tactics? Was it influenced by your parents? Was it society? Was it a misunderstood love for your child(ren)? I'm not implying that your style is inherently wrong but if you're here, you have decided for yourself that it could be improved. Right? In the spirit of improvement, don't hate me for what I am about to say.

I can narrow it down to a few main reasons why our kids don't listen.

1. You are too demanding.

2. They don't like you.

3. You are inconsistent.

4. They don't trust you.

Oof! I know what you're thinking. Who do I think I am, making assumptions like that? I've never met you. I don't know your family or your parenting style. All true. But I have studied the human mind a fair bit and do I know what builds and breaks cooperation within relationships.

To be clear, I don't need my kids to like me all the time. I am their parent first and their friend second. That said, they can dislike me but still respect me too. And as there is a danger in them seeking influence from outside sources by lack of admiration, there is also a blurred line to be mindful of in between being their friend and letting them take advantage of you. As parents, our goal is to find the sweet spot.

Most participants in my poll identified as pushovers, where I would consider myself to be a recovering authoritarian parent. I found that interesting. I can really only speak to my own experiences as I try to understand your perspective as well. So please leave a comment at the end. It can be submitted anonymously if you'd like.

My Dad assumed the position of ultimate authority and I habitually followed in his footsteps with my own kids in the early years. If you dared to ask,"Why?" steam would billow from my ears, just as they had done from my father's. To him, disobedience meant disrespect. But does it?

Our relationship as a child was rocky. I lied a lot to avoid getting in trouble. He is wise, honorable, and confident, and he knew what was best for me whether I liked it or not, and he would do anything to keep us safe. He expected for me to follow his lead blindly but I didn't trust his authority because it was the way he demanded obedience that made me question it. A good leader lets the truth convince you. They make sure that you understand their investments so that you can be as passionate about it as they are.

His trouble was making me listen because I sought independence and respect. I oozed from his fingers.

When I saw these habits to begin to

develop within my own kids I sought outside help. I didn't want my kids to grow distant from me in the coming years. That's when I found Janet Lansbury's podcast Unruffled. It was just the perspective I needed.

As an adult, I get along pretty well with my parents. They treat me and mine with the utmost respect. Their perspective of me shifted once I left home. I was no longer "theirs". I was a functioning independent human. What would happen if we were treated that way from birth? With respect and curiosity in place of criticism and control?

I did not like my parents most days as a teen, although of course I loved them. Funny how that works. In my adult life I've decided to put more stake in "like" than "love". I am quick to love. I even have love for people I thoroughly dislike. We are called to love all people but the ones I actually like are few.

Growing up under my parent's thumb, I was constantly looking for some way to express my autonomy and rebelling against every wall they put up. I got myself into a lot of trouble. I was nicknamed by my peers Reckless Rachel. I was the "fun friend" who was untrustworthy, unpredictable, and oblivious. All products of authoritarian parenting.

I see a lot of different parenting styles where I work today. I teach kids, alongside their parents, to learn new skills. It really is my dream job but, even still, it has it's challenges. Different parents parent differently and I have to adjust accordingly.

You're probably thinking well duh Rachel. But this exciting revelation only proved my point.

One simple thing worked with EVERY kid.

Respect.

I believe that humans deserve respect and recognition from infancy to adulthood. Every stage of development was divinely imagined. Kids should not be shamed for their excitement or trials. We are called to lead with Grace (2 Timothy 2:2) and to not provoke our kids to anger (Ephesians 6:4) but sometimes that leads parents to overcompensate on the opposite end of the spectrum. We find ourselves in the realm of pushover because we don't feel confident in our vision for the family we lead.

I know I have been guilty of lacking consistency in discipline and it leads to my own frustration - then I yell. When we yell, we look weak. When we look weak, we appear UN-trustworthy. Kids are good at calling our bluff. People want a strong and confident leader who they can trust. All people. This innate drive is found even in the smallest humans. They are capable of so much, albeit with a lot to learn still.

Now how do we make someone listen - with respect?

A professor once gave me the answer in a very clever manner. We were talking candidly about someone who I assumed needed my advice but was unwilling to receive it. I explained the situation to him and he listened quietly and patiently.

"I just don't know what to do,"

"Can I give you some advice?" he said finally

I was eager to hear "Yes! please do!"

He said nothing.

I looked at him confused, still waiting for his insight.

"That was it," he said with a cheeky grin. He explained how to show someone respect and autonomy you cannot shove your opinions down their throat. They have to first want your advice before their minds are even ready to accept it.

Like the old adage, lead a horse to water but can't make them drink. That doesn't mean we don't ask them if they are thirsty. We have to be in tune with their needs but teach them to ask when they are ready for help. Learning happens on such a personal level and we have to recognize that when we are ready to teach, might not be the moment when they are ready to learn.

What does that look like in real-time? Asking questions. Parenting through curiosity instead of judgment. And teaching how to ask for help. Sure, chasing them around, nagging them, yelling and aggravated will get the job done too, but at what cost? Cooperative spirit will not live there. You're only creating a paradox. The more you yell the more they will wait for the brink to respond because we are creatures of habit. They have learned habitually that THAT is the moment of action. After you lost your iSht.

In the first few trials you are likely to encounter some kind of protest, resist the urge to react. They are testing your new boundaries. They are checking your new level of confidence. Show them that you expect them to respect their family and that you will be the first to demonstrate what that looks like. You are a Peacebringer.

“If you can't explain it to a six-year-old, you don't understand it yourself.”

-Albert Einstein

For some additional perspective, visit my Reading List to pick up a copy of How to sten so That Kids Will Talk & Talk so That kids Will Listen

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