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Understanding little kids is like a genuine foreign language sometimes. Have you ever tried to learn a new language? It is truly frustrating for everyone involved, especially for a child who is trying desperately to be heard. There is a short period where a child's cognitive and physical abilities have outgrown their vocabulary. Learning vocabulary takes time. They know what they want but not how to say it.
Sometimes our first instinct is to blow them off. Sometimes we play the shame card and say, "You're not making sense," or "Those aren't real words,"
Even if we are using these jabs as a comic relief for our own sake it is not kind. I think you can agree. They are truly trying their best and jokes only add insult to injury. We must be aware of the impact our responses have on the entire situation. Consider how you would want to be spoken to?
I'm not saying jokes are out the window, but I tell my kids all the time,
"If you're the only one laughing, then it's probably not funny."
A better response would be to admit our own fault and not blame them for the inadequacy in the conversation.
I know it's a wild concept but let's be the adult here.
Taking responsibility for shortcomings is part of the game. If they don't have the words to tell you what they want/need that's because you haven't taught them.
There's no fault in a person who doesn't know what they don't know.
"It looks like you need/want something but I'm having trouble understanding you," or "I don't know what you mean,".
This way they know they're not crazy and you're honestly trying to understand them.
Follow that up with,
"Can You Show Me?"
Of course they can!
This simple trick also works with igniting cooperation when you want them to do something that they maybe don't like doing. Instead of repeating yourself a million times when you want kids to clean up their dirty laundry or put their plate in the sink you can say, "Will you show me where that goes?" They would love to! It's an easy win.
You then gladly follow them to their destination and see the joy on their face when they know they got it right. As adults, we may not recognize the true cause of their defiance but it always boils down to connection. These little moments are filling their cup simply because you're doing it together.
There is no need to praise them excessively, see why HERE.
I've successfully used this tactic with all my kids. I've seen it with my four year old who wants to assert dominance but still seeks approval; my eight year old who just wants a little confidence boost; my 6 year old who just wants a piece of Mommy's attention; and my two year old who is learning how the world works.
It's such a simple concept. It humbles us by allowing the kids to be the leader. Try it out at home, I'm curious how your family will respond.
I can't stand being the nagging mom, following my kids around and telling them what to do all the time. If I'm sick of it I can only imagine how the rest of the family feels. It's draining. The show me approach is a gentle way to remind them while empowering them at the same time.
The show me response also provides an opportunity for them to ask for help if they don't know, without feeling guilty.
Taking time to slow down instead of react is what it takes to build healthy lifelong relationships. Moments like these are so frequent they will have a greater impact on the openness of the relationship than you might anticipate. You will be able to feel the release of tension when the most mundane tasks are completed quickly and without a fight.
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