20. Judge and Jury - sibling rivalry

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We show them how to resolve conflicts by listening first.

All problems get solved when people agree on a clear solution. When we try to force our wants on others we create conflict.

This is applied to adults and kids alike.

Siblings fight for a thousand reasons, but pay attention to the root of every argument. It's the inability to cross from a strong emotional state to a logical mind.

Sister grabs brother's toy without asking. So he hits her. She screams and throws his toy across the room. Now they are both crying. She hurt his feelings so he hurt hers and so she hurt his again and everyone is hurting. Each one disrespected the other and now they don't know what to do.

Most times we can take the need for punishment out of the equation by trying to fundamentally understand the situation. Baseline is - they're both hurting.

Listen to everyone's thoughts and concerns so that they learn from your example; to listen

before reacting.

Some of us have to be especially intentional in this as we missed the opportunity when we were younger. We have to practice listening to the situations before imposing our own opinions. Blame and shame are common first reactions for most modern parents. It is a subconscious trait we learned from our parents no doubt. Our brains are frozen in the child-like stage of conflict avoidance.

When we jump into the kids' argument and immediately pass judgment and rescue the victim from the aggressor we are living in a generational cycle.

"He hit me!!"

"Son! You can't hit your sister!"

"She took my toy and threw it!

Now everyone is confused and yelling.

You, the judge and jury, decide that they both will have the toys taken away and will sit in time out.

You have just lost their respect and trust.

You have brushed them off, ignored the problem. You've demonstrated your inability to lead effectively. Nobody received justice and nobody learned how to solve the problem. If, and when, it happens again they will not know what to do. They have just learned that we value conflict avoidance over a resolution.

So what is the alternative?

We listen first.

(fight ensues)

"What happened guys?"

Listen.

Both start explaining their side of the story.

Your job is to find out which child is more engaged in the left-side brain function. The left hemisphere is the logical problem solving side. The right side engages the emotional functions. In simple terms, which kid appears less upset? We will use their energy to bring the other back into their logical brain. Listening will encourage them to recall of the event (right brain).

Most likely neither will be completely level-headed but the most calm is likely the older sibling. Young kids almost exclusively operate in the right brain as it develops easier. We are feeling things all the time. The right brain develops in the transition into the Second Developmental Plane around age 5.

"Let's let one speak at a time. Brother please continue,"

He explains the story and then she gets her turn to explain.

"Wow. So it seems like you're both pretty upset. Brother is upset that you took his toy without asking but I don't think hitting is a good option. What do you guys think we could have done better?"

We address the core problem and, depending on the age of the kids, maybe offer a solution. Bonus points for identifying the emotions for them. A few examples that come to mind when narrating the situation back to them might be,

"Sister felt _____ when you ____"

"Maybe next time we can use the words 'Please don't do that,' or 'I don't like that," instead of hitting. And instead of taking something that isn't ours we can ask to have a turn with it then wait," reminding them that sometimes the answer is just no and that's ok. When we point them towards a solution instead of seek to punish them, they learn to trust our authority.

Don't focus on who was, or was not, guilty or that will be the role they will continue to create for you.

You will probably still have to assist in future conflicts but less so over time because you're helping them create a bridge between problem and solution.

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