19. Good Job - ego vs confidence

Imagine, a child loses a soccer game

and nothing can cheer them up. Their reaction might be anything from whining, crying, blaming, throwing, quitting or any other unpleasant outbursts. They may even internalize their frustrations.

"How could we have lost? Coach is probably going to be mad. I'm so much faster than the other kids. Mom told me that I'm good at soccer. I really let her down. It must be my team's fault. They're not as good as me or we would have won. I just don't understand how they could be smiling after we lost. How could they be happy that we didn't win?"

You might be tempted to call them spoiled, entitled, or a brat. We would hope our kids enjoy the sport for the sheer fun of it but this type of reaction stems from an over inflated ego.

Mom and Dad have told this child since they first learned to kick a ball,

"Good job, Buddy!"

"What a great kick!"

"Nice kick!" They were set up to fail.

Naturally, we parents want to encourage our kids to enjoy things that they are good at and the praise is intended to boost the child's confidence. We hope they will persevere and become successful.

What would you say if I told you that arbitrary praise is more harmful? The bigger the ego the harder they fall. Society often confuses confidence with ego. American culture is dog eat dog and "success" is like a mirage. Every parent, more than the last, wants their kid to make something special of their life.

Of course we do!

We push them into clubs, sports teams, school programs where they will receive praise for their skills. Gradually they become older and the praise morphs into critiques. The kids with over inflated egos become easily discouraged or even entitled. They are expecting the "good job!" they may never receive.

When was the last time someone told you, good job?

In the eyes of the world, to be "successful" one has to be great, not just good.

Value should come from inside.

I get to decide if I'm successful based on if I'm happy with my own choices. How much weight should outside opinion hold in the value of our own self worth? Should we be teaching our kids to seek validation in someone else's unattainable measure?

A child builds confidence when they learn what they are capable of. There is nothing you can do to make them love themselves. It comes from their self image. It is built through trial and error.

Don't fear failure.

Let them struggle.

Don't fear boredom.

Let them get creative.

Let kids discover their own strengths. You are a bystander. Your opinion holds a lot of power because little kids live to make you proud. But with that power we have to be cautious of our influence.

Hard work is far more rewarding than the praise.

It's a hard cycle to break. I still catch myself almost daily at a loss for words when I instinctively say, "good job,"

I've been practicing the Montessori method at home which talks about looking out for constructive feedback instead or sometimes saying nothing at all. There is an excellent YouTube Video from Hapa Family here. Learning to identify specific actions or traits we want to encourage takes intention and effort.

No more Lazy Praise!

The Montessori method is big on narration. When kids want a reaction from adults sometimes the best thing we can do is just say I see you. I like to ask them if they are proud of their effort to redirect their focus inward. I don't want them to look outward for lazy praise anymore because hard work is more rewarding.

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