26. Developing the Truth - when kids lie PT.1

"No," I say, "you may not have candy right now,"

She says, "Ok Mama." Then 15 minutes later I catch her sneaking a MOUTHFUL of candy. It was put up and out of sight. Not only did she make an effort to do the exact opposite of what she was told, but to the extreme.

Sometimes our kids lie for attention. Maybe they have seen a grown up they know tell a white lie and they want to try it out. Our kids are excellent at getting our attention when they need it. Lying tends to become a habit when they notice that it gets a quick reaction and our full attention. Don’t worry too much about trying to correct their future behavior, focus on how you can help them in the present. Focus on giving them a place where they can feel comfortable speaking the truth.

When my daughter was six, she lied all the time. So, let's start there.

That seems a little old to be sneaking around and telling lies, doesn't it? We expect little white lies in a three-year-old but it seems more delinquent in a six-year-old. That doesn't mean it's developmentally inappropriate. Maybe we need to shift our perspective and revisit the basics.

Let's take a look at the Plane of Development. At the age of six, kids are in a phase of puberty in it's most basic form. (more info on brain development here) This is not a sexual puberty but the period in which they enter a mental and physical change brought on by hormones. A six-year-old is caught between infancy (the first plane) and childhood (the second plane). They are developing Independence and Social Relationships. A six year old is only just beginning to factor morality into their decisions. A kid in the first plane is learning to test physical boundaries, sometimes getting themself into trouble, while the child in the second plane is testing social boundaries including morality and the emotional response of their caregiver.

A three-year-old should be taught WHAT a lie is through gentle parenting responses, and a six-year-old should be taught WHY it's important to be truthful through natural consequences. Your responses and reactions to the lie determine the way they perceive the act. Consistency in our response is critical to maintain trustworthy authority.

In the case of my sneaky six-year-old, sometimes we need to go back and review the what because maybe we skipped over that part. I am not a perfect parent. I have bad days and good ones too. I made the mistake of assuming my daughter already understood the complexities of what it means to lie. I jumped straight into punishing the act that she didn't fully understand. It's a simple conversation to have - best had apart from the emotions of the conflict. Find a moment, bedtime works for us, to have a candid conversation about making mistakes and what it means to tell a lie.

When the time comes where we have to respond to a lie I can tell you, from first-hand experience, what NOT to do.

Imagine this scenario: You catch your little one after they have sneaked into the cookie plate before breakfast and you find them, with crumbs still on their chin and an innocent look in their eye. What is your initial reaction?

I know I would have been furious, frustrated, and disappointed all at once. As many emotions swirl around in my head I would jump to conclusions about the intentions behind their actions. Assuming that they are lying and sneaking to "just get away with it", as one mom put it, I might respond with:

"There are crumbs all over your face. Did you sneak into the cookies? You know better! Why would you do that? That's a terrible way to start the day. A cookie is NOT breakfast. You could have fallen and gotten hurt! You're GROUNDED no more cartoons or cookies for you!"

As I process all of these thoughts and feelings out loud, the little child before me is completely blindsided. They learn that they can't trust me and my emotional outbursts. I'm scary, irrational, and intimidating. Maybe that was my underlying goal, maybe not. Do we want to scare our kids straight? Does that even work? I guess that's for you to decide. I personally don't want my kids to be afraid of me. I want them to respect me and my authority.

Kids don't generally intend to do things TO us. That perspective in itself is an indication that our own inner child has some growing up to do.

Here are two reasons why we lie.

1. An act of self-preservation ( ages 6+)

2. Just to see what happens (6 and under)

I want to point out in the response above, I would be setting them up to lie. When we ask a rhetorical question that they can simply answer with an untrue response, it creates an easy opportunity and the habit to lie. Don't set them up to be caught in a trap. Instead of "There are crumbs on your face! Did you sneak into the cookies?" try "I see that you had a cookie this morning and there are still crumbs on your face."

The goal is stating the truth as a fact instead of providing an easy opportunity to lie.

Now imagine you're the child:

You got up early, ready for the day. Were careful not to wake any one because Mama said it's not nice. You remembered that Daddy baked cookies for the family last night. You carefully build yourself a ladder to climb up to the top of the fridge. You find the plate and choose the best-looking cookie, then carefully climb back down to the floor without dropping your prize. Sitting on your chair in the kitchen you enjoy every second of your silent victory with pride.

Enter grown-up tirade.

We, adults, have to approach every situation with a level head if we want to be seen as a trustworthy leader. Look at all the little wins we glazed past because we held our kids to a higher standard than ourselves. I'm not going to lie. I've eaten a cookie for breakfast a time or two. Is it a balanced breakfast? No. Of course not. Is it the end of the world? Also no. Should they have asked first? Maybe, but would you have said yes? If they are likely to hear "no" more often than "yes", they are more likely to do things without asking.

The damages of our over-regulation are resounding. Next time they will learn to be sneakier, to cover their tracks better. If we want them to feel comfortable to ask for permission, we have to give them some amount of hope and approval. If it is ALWAYS a "no" then they won't bother asking. I wrote about creating a "yes space" HERE. We can give them little wins to fill their "power tank" in so many different ways.

Trustworthiness is a habit best developed early on, but here is how we can adjust our parenting and perspective with our kids today.

How do we keep kids from lying?

• Don’t try to embarrass them when you catch them in a lie. Encourage truthfulness by correcting the lie. “I think you meant to say…” if they are chastised when they make mistakes, they will stop coming to you for help and the lies will only get bigger.

• Use natural consequences instead of punishment. Every situation is unique and the consequence has to make sense. Taking away their favorite stuffy because they lied about brushing their teeth just doesn’t. The punishment should help remind them whats appropriate or reinforce the boundary you set.

• Don’t over react when they lie. Look for the root cause and try to correct the source. Ask yourself why they don’t trust you with the truth. Show them you are trustworthy by moving forward with empathy in place of judgment.

• Don’t label them as a liar. When you give them labels, they intrinsically live up to those truths. Labels limit our kids to a fixed-mindset perspective. They are more than just a momentary lapse in judgment.

• Above all set the standard in your own behavior. No little white lies to get what you want. If you want them to trust you, then you have to be trustworthy and reasonable.

Practice Small Trusts by:

Not forcing them to finish a meal they don't like.

Letting them choose their own clothes.

Not nagging them to do chores.

Giving them space when they're not happy.

Not yelling when they make mistakes.

Basically, treat them with respect and kindness. Treat them as any human should be treated. There are ways to achieve all the things you want with respect. Stick around long enough and we can get it all figured out on the Family Guide. I have high expectations of my kids but I give them a lot of space to make their own choices so that they learn to live with the consequences.

Bottom line, all kids lie sometimes. Your kid is not going to grow up to be bad apple unless you continue to push them into lying. We usually don't even realize were doing it. Read more about pushing our kids too hard in my previous post on Authoritarian Parenting.